Hope these bring a smile.
1. If anything can go wrong, it will.
2. Nothing is a smiple as it seems.
3. Everything always costs more that you have.
4. Everything takes longer than you expect.
5. If you fool around with something long enought it will everntually break.
6. If you try to please everybody, somebody is not going to like it.
7. It is a fundamental law of nature that nothing ever quite works out.
8. Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
9. It's easier to get into a thing than to get out of it.
10. If you explain something so clearly that no on can misunderstand, someone will.
Note to Optimiists: Please disregard the above!
Say What?
I had amnesia once -- or mybe twice
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gulible... and I believed them.
Two can live a cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which obviously varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
An OBGYN Answers Your Questions
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. I'm two month pregnet now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determin baby's sex?
A. Childbirth
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she is boarderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
What She Said
A good woman is by your side during the bad times to remind you it never would have happened if you had listened to her in the first place.
When you find a good wife, you not only get a best friend and companion, you also get a full-time dirving instructor for life.
New Bride:
"Nobody told me that when you got a husband the ears are sold separately"
I took my husband to an Antique Auction. Three people bid on him.
The Economy is So Bad...
(These are old, but still funny)
I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Big Pharma laid off 25 congressmen.
Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.
A pictue is worth only 200 words.
They renamed Wall Street - it's now Wal-Mart Street.
Big business CEO's are playing miniature golf.
McDonald's is selling a "quarter-ouncer."
Jury duty is now the highest paying job.
The NFL scrapped the coin toss in favor of rock-paper-sissors.
There's a new book by Dr. Suess: "Green Eggs and Spam".
A truckload of illegal immigrants was caught sneaking back into Mexico.
The Girl Scouts are selling Extra Thin Mints.
Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream laid off Jerry!
How Old people say "It's Time to Go!"
"Let's rock and roll!"
"Let's skedaddle!"
"Saddle up partners, let's get outa Dodge!"
"Time to hit the road!"
"Let's hightail it outta here!"
"Let's get this show on the road!"
A Sure Bet
A strapping young man at a construction site was constantly bragging about how strong he was and how he could outdo any of the other workers in any feat of strength.
He made a special point of making fun of Morris, one of the oldest and most experienced workers. Every day he would berate Morris and call him a weakling and all sorts of demeaning names.
One day, Morris had had enough of the young man's bragging and taunting.
Calling him out, Morris challenged him, "Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he asked. "I'll bet you a week's wages that I can haul something in this wheelbarrow to the far end of the worksite that you won't be able to wheel back!"
"You're on old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."
Morris grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Make the Moments Count
Every minute someone leaves this world behind.
We are all in "the line" without knowing it.
We never know how many peple are before us.
We can not move to the back of the line.
We can not step out of the line.
So while we wait in line -
Make the moments count.
Make priorities.
Make the time.
Make your gifts known.
Make a nobody feel like a somebody.
Make your voice heard.
Make the small things big.
Make someone smile.
Make the change.
Make love.
Make up.
Make peace.
Make sure to tell your people they are loved.
Make sure to have no regrets.
Make sure you are ready.
Short, Sweet and Old
I was always taught to respect my elders, but at my age, they're getting hard to find?
Old age has come at a bad time-- just as I was beginning to know everthing, I'm now beginning to forget everything I knew.
When older people say "Enjoy them while you're young," they're talking about your shoulders, hips and knees.
I know how it will end: one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
At my funeral I want someone to take my phone and text everyone, "Thanks for coming!"
Gathered from "Senior Goldmine" Adda County Edition April 2024